Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Durbin's Notes

I am so happy that iowahawk is back with us. He had some family problems to take care of, but he is back and as good as ever:
From the Desk of Senator Dick
An ongoing series featuring the correspondence of Senator Richard Durbin (D-IL), America's most dynamic metaphorist.
Mr. Hector Gutierrez
Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping
Arlington, VA

Dear Mr. Gutierrez:
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio. I am writing to inform you that I have contacted the US Department of Interior to conduct a full independent investigation into Gutierrez Brothers' actions in this matter. Please be advised that you may be subpoenaed for records pertaining to mower height, pruning shear maintenance, and leaf blower emissions. I would also advise your crewmen to heed the lessons of the Judgement At Nurenburg: although they may be spared the justice due their superiors, "I was only following orders" is not an excuse.

Senator Richard J. DurbinWashington, DC

Ms. He-Sook Park
AAA Georgetown Drycleaning
Washington, DC

Dear Ms. Park:
To paraphrase Pastor Martin Niemoeller, a witness to the Shoah:
First they frayed the hem on my wife's Valentino gown
My staff aide did not speak out
Because it was my wife's and it wasn't that noticeable

When they didn't honor the 5-for-$4.99 tie coupon
My staff aide did not speak out
Because the small print said "good Tuesday to Friday"

And when they overstarched my best Brooks Brothers shirts
there was no one left to speak out to
Because your counter attendant did not speak English

I will no longer stay silent in the face of your cruel and sickening campaign of chemical fabricide, Ms. Park. Mankind will soon learn of the horrors you are hiding behind the flimsy facade of 'One Hour Martinizing.' I expect full reparations for the suffering of my wardrobe, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Senator Richard J. DurbinWashington, DC

P.S. -- Could you hem a pair of casual trousers before Saturday? I have a DNC retreat coming up.


Post a Comment

<< Home